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Ladies and gentlemen, give a big round of applause to Gerry Dee!

2
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Thank you so much.

3
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Thank you.

4
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Thanks for coming.

5
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This is a very special night for me.

6
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for my family,

7
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who did not come.

8
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They didn't come.

9
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I thought this was something more important, but they say,

10
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"No, it's... Good luck! Go get them!"

11
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So here I am, alone.

12
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I guess my wife thinks something like, "I've seen you work really hard."

13
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I said, "Okay."

14
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Here we are. We have been married for 18 years.

15
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So, uh, you know, if you… Yeah.

16
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I'll tell him you applauded. I'll tell him you applauded.

17
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No, 18 years of marriage.

18
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Oh, she's great!

19
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We have a 17 year old son.

20
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That flew by!

21
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How fast children grow up, huh?!

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Seventeen years, it was like the blink of an eye.

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I remember putting her to bed in her crib.

24
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Then you blink, and boom, 17.

25
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It happens so fast.

26
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Eighteen years of marriage, not a moment. I don't know why.

27
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I don't know why. It's like it's the same amount of time.

28
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You blink, you wake up and you're still here.

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Yes. Hello.

30
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Every morning we meet in the kitchen.

31
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We are monogamous.

32
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That's not fun.

33
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I tell you it's not like that.

34
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Some of you agree with me, but you are with your spouse.

35
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You can't…

36
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Nobody likes it. I don't know why you would like it.

37
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To nobody. Nobody in the world likes it. But you have to do it, or there will be problems.

38
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That's how it works.

39
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My God!

40
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I don't like. I'm not going to lie.

41
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"Till death do us part." That's what we said.

42
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We all said that if you got married at an altar.

43
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"Till death do us part..." Yes. And just the two of us. Monogamy, I love it.

44
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That's what you say.

45
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The first day, that's easy to say, right?

46
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Do you know when that slogan was written? "Till death do us part."

47
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The 16th century.

48
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When people died from coughing in three years.

49
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It's like you're saying, "Yeah, sure. Why not? Let death do us part? Yes."

50
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"One of us will die in three years..."

51
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Not now. Now we live to be 90, 100 years old, in monogamy.

52
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Humans are the only monogamous mammals.

53
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And we have two dogs that sleep in bed with us.

54
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So now we are celibate.

55
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We are celibate.

56
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We are celibate and monogamous.

57
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Until I die. Shoot me.

58
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Shoot me. That is…

59
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I didn't sign up for that. The altar priest did not go.

60
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"You'll be celibate and monogamous in about six years. Is that okay with you?"

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Yes, forever. Until one of us kills the other.

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I love monogamy.

63
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No other mammal.

64
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Choose a mammal. Choose a mammal.

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Lion, tiger, deer.

66
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It doesn't matter. I'm not monogamous.

67
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If they aren't, it doesn't matter. Don't get into trouble.

68
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It doesn't matter what they do.

69
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You could be a lion in the jungle.

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Your wife is eating grass. You're cheating on her.

71
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Nothing happened. Nothing.

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There is no divorce. There is nothing. There is no fight.

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She might ask, "What are you doing?"

74
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It's like you're saying, "Oh, I thought that was you. What the hell?"

75
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I have the same… You have the same hair.

76
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You have the same hair.

77
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Why don't you get highlights in your hair so you look different?

78
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Otherwise it will continue to happen.

79
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Some people have an open marriage.

80
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How fun that sounds!

81
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Yes it is. I don't know if it's as fun as it seems.

82
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Hey, I don't even know how you bring that up.

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You…

84
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You better be completely sure that your spouse is okay with this.

85
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If you're going to bring that topic up.

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"Honey, how about an open...? What do you think of an open...?"

87
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"Yes, I know. It's stupid. I don't like the idea."

88
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"I don't like that idea at all."

89
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"No. I don't like it."

90
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He's at home right now. She is a housewife.

91
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It's hard work.

92
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Thank you. It is.

93
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It is often a thankless job.

94
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There is no money.

95
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I know that.

96
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It is a very important job.

97
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She… is a housewife.

98
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That's what she is... I say "was."

99
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The children are already at school. As?

100
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I mean... now it's a different job.

101
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They have a break, say, from nine to three.

102
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That's not a normal job.

103
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They're... they're at school.

104
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I did all the work when they were little. That's difficult. I couldn't do it.

105
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I tried it for a couple of hours once. I told him: "When are you getting home? This is..."

106
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What? How long does this take?

107
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But at first it was very difficult.

108
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Now it's a good job for her.

109
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The children are at school all day.

110
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It's... it's a different job. No… I don't know how to explain it.

111
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But... I have to be careful when I ask him,

112
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Because she asks, "Where are you going with this?"

113
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I tell him: "Well, you have to..."

114
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"Now it's a good job, right? You get a break from nine to three."

115
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"It's like a nice little job."

116
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"I have to keep going, on tour."

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She says something like, "Oh yeah?"

118
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I said, "Like..."

119
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And I… I had a genuine, very genuine curiosity.

120
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When my last child... when our last child started going to school full time,

121
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And about two months passed, and I went...

122
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So I wanted to know what his days were like.

123
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because they were very busy.

124
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I was just... I was just trying to be nice. I was just trying to start a conversation.

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No… it didn't go well.

126
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I said, "What, then what... what are you doing now?"

127
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And I tried to make it fun.

128
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I asked him, "What are you doing? What are you doing now? What...?"

129
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A few laughs were of no use. They only made things worse.

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She says, "What?"

131
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I asked him, "How about...? What day is it? What does the job entail?"

132
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What is a stay at home mother?

133
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"What role does the mother play right now?"

134
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"He's more of a person who prefers to stay at home. Kind of..."

135
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She was not happy.

136
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She said, "Well, today, smartass,

137
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I have to buy fruit for the kids' lunches tomorrow.

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Wait. I thought there were more. That was… that was… that was the day.

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It was one day... I don't know. Are you picking them up?

140
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Are you picking fruit in the mountains? Like what?

141
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How much fruit are you buying? We have scurvy in the family, I don't know if anyone knows.

142
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That's a lot of fruit!

143
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It's a whole day. She makes it a whole day.

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"You have to get the good fruit. You can't go to the same place."

145
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No, yes you can. You can actually go somewhere.

146
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We are not that demanding. Stop buying bananas.

147
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She buys bananas every week. Fresh bananas, nobody eats them.

148
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Right now we have 45 bunches of bananas in the freezer.

149
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for that big banana bread she keeps saying she wants to make.

150
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How busy are you? Prepare the banana bread. It is not a difficult recipe.

151
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One day it was funny because, like...

152
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He didn't realize that he had said he had a busy day.

153
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She says, "I'm having a busy day."

154
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And I said, "Okay, let's..."

155
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"I know fruit day... I know fruit day was busy,

156
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But you just brought up the subject. This is chaos.

157
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"Yes."

158
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She said, "I had to pick up a gift."

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for our son who is going to a birthday party.

160
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"And I was able to return a book to the library for our daughter."

161
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So there were… there were two things that day.

162
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It was... And she just said, "I don't know how I'm doing it."

163
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I don't know... I don't know if she...

164
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I don't know if other things happen.

165
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but she returns home at five o'clock sharp.

166
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Yes, I did the pickup, which is part of the job of a stay-at-home mom.

167
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But I did it that day because she was busy.

168
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I was busy.

169
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She walks through the door. I ask him: "How was your day?"

170
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Trying to be... "How was your busy day?"

171
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She says, "You know what's funny?"

172
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"I didn't even have time to return the book."

173
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You know, we have to work on your schedule, on your management.

174
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I couldn't have done it without her.

175
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One of the things I understood when the children were little was, for example,

176
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I'm not getting divorced.

177
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I don't want to have them alone every three days.

178
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That's... that's torture.

179
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She left once.

180
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I ask him: "Where are you? What are you doing?"

181
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He was gone for two days.

182
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Two days.

183
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It seemed like an eternity.

184
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Then I realized what he does now.

185
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Because I did it for two days and she only texted me once.

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That was it.

187
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A text message in two days.

188
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I'm like, "What's going on?"

189
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Better to be monogamous right now.

190
00:08:39,619 --> 00:08:42,555
Check the Ring app. You can't cheat. You have the Ring app.

191
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Now we watch a lot of movies together. That is…

192
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The children are doing their thing.

193
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Teenagers don't care. They don't want to go out.

194
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I thought... I thought that when I had three children,

195
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We played Monopoly on Friday nights when they...

196
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They don't. We don't. They are not at home. We simply…

197
00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:08,147
We just pick them up, drop them off, use Uber from time to time.

198
00:09:09,815 --> 00:09:13,986
The other night I watched a movie with her that I had seen more than 25 years ago.

199
00:09:14,053 --> 00:09:15,121
Indecent proposal.

200
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And I'll tell you what, if you haven't seen that movie, huh,

201
00:09:18,157 --> 00:09:21,160
The plot is basically about a young couple getting married.

202
00:09:21,661 --> 00:09:24,497
And an older man, a millionaire, enters the bar.

203
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:30,169
and offers the couple a million dollars for a night with the wife.

204
00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:32,905
And I remember seeing him, single, 26 years old, and thinking:

205
00:09:32,972 --> 00:09:35,508
—No, what are you...? —As if to say: —What are you doing, man?

206
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"That is not done."

207
00:09:36,776 --> 00:09:42,014
"You don't sell a woman for one night. I don't care how much money it is."

208
00:09:42,081 --> 00:09:44,850
"Give me a hundred million dollars, I won't do it."

209
00:09:44,917 --> 00:09:47,286
I remember saying that to myself.

210
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I… I was really sincere.

211
00:09:51,524 --> 00:09:54,660
I was like, "This is... I can't believe I'm watching this garbage."

212
00:09:54,727 --> 00:09:58,931
What kind of idiot...? How could they make a movie out of this? It's very bad.

213
00:09:58,998 --> 00:10:01,133
She did, and it ruined the marriage.

214
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:02,802
I say, "Yeah, obviously."

215
00:10:02,868 --> 00:10:05,371
"Of course, idiot."

216
00:10:08,874 --> 00:10:10,743
We saw it together two weeks ago.

217
00:10:10,810 --> 00:10:13,879
It's... It's a very different environment.

218
00:10:13,946 --> 00:10:16,349
It's so... I remember being so confused.

219
00:10:16,415 --> 00:10:18,684
I'm like, "Who... who gets the million?"

220
00:10:18,751 --> 00:10:21,087
"Do you give the million to the old man? I don't understand."

221
00:10:21,153 --> 00:10:23,556
"Does he give him a million to sleep with you? I don't understand."

222
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:25,057
"I don't understand the story."

223
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:29,996
There doesn't seem to be much of a plot here because it's obviously "yes."

224
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:33,132
She says...she says, I'm not even talking to her,

225
00:10:33,199 --> 00:10:35,134
But she responds: "I would do it for 50,000."

226
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Fifty thousand.

227
00:10:37,303 --> 00:10:39,805
He's saying it to the television as if he were on the show "The Price is Right."

228
00:10:39,872 --> 00:10:42,341
"Fifty thousand. I'll do it for fifty thousand."

229
00:10:42,842 --> 00:10:45,111
Go see it with your wife.

230
00:10:45,177 --> 00:10:48,247
You are in a monogamous, celibate relationship. Go see it.

231
00:10:48,914 --> 00:10:52,752
Many of my friends are getting divorced and are looking for a partner through apps.

232
00:10:52,818 --> 00:10:54,020
I missed the world of applications.

233
00:10:54,086 --> 00:10:55,354
It sounds fun.

234
00:10:55,421 --> 00:10:56,355
Sounds great!

235
00:10:56,422 --> 00:10:58,224
But my friend showed me this application.

236
00:10:58,290 --> 00:10:59,759
He is 50 years old.

237
00:10:59,825 --> 00:11:01,127
So we were in Edmonton.

238
00:11:01,193 --> 00:11:03,629
Just… he and I were traveling.

239
00:11:03,696 --> 00:11:04,897
And I ask him: "What are you doing?"

240
00:11:04,964 --> 00:11:08,668
He says, "I'm just seeing if I can find someone on the app."

241
00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:12,104
I thought, "Wow, that sounds great!"

242
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:18,711
But then he showed me the options. No era… No era…

243
00:11:19,845 --> 00:11:22,448
It was like nine girls were spinning around on a carousel.

244
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:25,551
I thought: "I don't... None of those convinced me."

245
00:11:26,052 --> 00:11:28,621
But one of the girls left an indelible mark on me.

246
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:31,424
in his first group in the decade of the 50s and 60s.

247
00:11:31,490 --> 00:11:34,827
This is a woman who is trying to find love.

248
00:11:34,894 --> 00:11:35,895
And I hope so.

249
00:11:35,961 --> 00:11:38,297
It's going to be difficult, but I hope I make it.

250
00:11:38,364 --> 00:11:39,465
No, I'll tell you why.

251
00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:42,435
She…she was in a hospital bed.

252
00:11:42,501 --> 00:11:48,607
This was... this was his way of saying, "Look, this is me."

253
00:11:48,674 --> 00:11:49,775
"I... I don't... I don't..."

254
00:11:49,842 --> 00:11:52,778
"I'm not going to fool you with a fake photo."

255
00:11:53,579 --> 00:11:56,549
But you went a bit too far, Louise.

256
00:11:56,615 --> 00:11:58,951
Because you could have had, for example...

257
00:11:59,018 --> 00:12:00,319
She had…

258
00:12:00,386 --> 00:12:05,124
He must have had some lung problem because he had… the tubes.

259
00:12:06,225 --> 00:12:08,861
Yes, in the photo, with the… the tank.

260
00:12:11,163 --> 00:12:12,531
And she is leaning on the tank.

261
00:12:12,598 --> 00:12:15,201
I'm like, "This is getting... What is she doing?"

262
00:12:17,136 --> 00:12:20,039
It's... She had... I'm not kidding.

263
00:12:20,106 --> 00:12:24,143
And she told me... I asked her: "Why... why do you leave that photo as your image?"

264
00:12:24,210 --> 00:12:26,779
Her bio says: "I'm Louise. My friends call me 'Wheezy.'"

265
00:12:26,846 --> 00:12:28,881
I tell them: "Yes, I certainly do."

266
00:12:28,948 --> 00:12:31,383
"It's like they're making fun of you. They call you 'Wheezy'."

267
00:12:31,450 --> 00:12:32,418
"From the Jeffersons."

268
00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:34,653
I say, "This isn't The Jeffersons. It's the tank!"

269
00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:37,089
"It's the tank. It's your support. It's your support."

270
00:12:37,656 --> 00:12:39,458
He was angry at the friend who took the photo.

271
00:12:39,525 --> 00:12:41,894
I thought of that person. Who is this friend?

272
00:12:41,961 --> 00:12:43,429
Who is this so-called friend?

273
00:12:44,396 --> 00:12:45,965
that says: "There it is."

274
00:12:46,031 --> 00:12:48,300
"Hold the… No, just hold the tank."

275
00:12:48,367 --> 00:12:52,037
No, that friend is a bad friend. That friend should say, "Listen, Wheezy."

276
00:12:55,374 --> 00:12:58,544
Why don't we remove the tubes? Hold your breath. Take a quick photo.

277
00:13:00,913 --> 00:13:02,014
She said, "No."

278
00:13:02,081 --> 00:13:02,982
"No."

279
00:13:03,048 --> 00:13:04,049
"No."

280
00:13:04,116 --> 00:13:04,950
"No."

281
00:13:05,017 --> 00:13:06,051
"No."

282
00:13:06,118 --> 00:13:07,720
"That's me."

283
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:08,921
"And this is..."

284
00:13:13,359 --> 00:13:14,960
I hope you found love. Really.

285
00:13:15,027 --> 00:13:19,165
Because, hopefully, another guy... maybe there's another guy with emphysema,

286
00:13:19,231 --> 00:13:23,936
"Hey, who are all those other losers who don't have an oxygen tank?"

287
00:13:24,003 --> 00:13:26,038
"There it is, Wheezy."

288
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:32,578
My parents were married for over 50 years.

289
00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:33,946
My… My mother passed away.

290
00:13:34,013 --> 00:13:35,614
My father is still alive.

291
00:13:35,681 --> 00:13:37,449
Fifty years.

292
00:13:38,083 --> 00:13:40,152
Until death do us part, and so they did.

293
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:42,154
They did it. Yes.

294
00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:43,622
It's incredible.

295
00:13:43,689 --> 00:13:45,291
My dad was, uh...

296
00:13:45,357 --> 00:13:47,660
I still see my father. He is 92 years old.

297
00:13:47,726 --> 00:13:50,763
He was ninety-two years old and a police officer.

298
00:13:51,263 --> 00:13:52,731
And that's not fun for a child.

299
00:13:52,798 --> 00:13:54,400
That's just, uh...

300
00:13:54,900 --> 00:13:56,101
It just scares you.

301
00:13:56,168 --> 00:13:59,471
I'm still... I'm still paranoid about everything.

302
00:13:59,538 --> 00:14:03,576
I'm a hypochondriac because my father thought, "I'm going to scare my kids."

303
00:14:03,642 --> 00:14:05,644
The only thing we learned was serial killers.

304
00:14:05,711 --> 00:14:08,480
That's all. He knew every serial killer on the planet.

305
00:14:08,547 --> 00:14:09,882
He knew them all.

306
00:14:10,616 --> 00:14:13,452
He showed me photos and I had to guess...

307
00:14:14,153 --> 00:14:18,290
No, this was his way of teaching me to never judge a book by its cover.

308
00:14:18,357 --> 00:14:21,460
He told me, "I'm going to teach some people here." I thought there would be a variety of people.

309
00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:22,962
Okay, I'm like 10 years old.

310
00:14:23,028 --> 00:14:25,331
He shows me a photo of Ted Bundy. And I think, "He looks good."

311
00:14:25,397 --> 00:14:26,765
"No, he's not nice."

312
00:14:26,832 --> 00:14:29,235
"One of the worst murderers in history."

313
00:14:29,735 --> 00:14:30,569
"Well."

314
00:14:30,636 --> 00:14:32,805
Then he shows me a clown. And I think: "He has to be nice."

315
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:35,975
"No, that's John Wayne Gacy. He's a clown. He killed people."

316
00:14:36,041 --> 00:14:38,544
"Okay, this game is bad. I don't like this game."

317
00:14:41,180 --> 00:14:43,582
That's how he taught us. It scared us.

318
00:14:43,649 --> 00:14:45,317
He also did it with the church.

319
00:14:45,384 --> 00:14:48,587
We grew up in a very Catholic environment. My parents were Catholic.

320
00:14:48,654 --> 00:14:49,688
We still are.

321
00:14:49,755 --> 00:14:52,057
I don't know… I don't know how well we're doing.

322
00:14:52,124 --> 00:14:57,162
but that was ingrained in my brother, my sister and me.

323
00:14:57,663 --> 00:14:58,764
You have to go to mass.

324
00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:01,967
You have to go to mass every Sunday.

325
00:15:02,801 --> 00:15:04,270
Or you go to hell. That was it.

326
00:15:05,337 --> 00:15:06,672
"And do you know who is in hell?"

327
00:15:07,172 --> 00:15:08,207
"John Wayne Gacy."

328
00:15:09,475 --> 00:15:10,776
"Ted Bundy."

329
00:15:11,277 --> 00:15:14,880
He always interacted with them. "If you go to hell, you're with those guys."

330
00:15:15,381 --> 00:15:17,082
"Then I'll go to mass."

331
00:15:17,149 --> 00:15:18,183
"Yes you are."

332
00:15:19,385 --> 00:15:23,889
In the Catholic beliefs that were instilled in me, if you don't go to mass,

333
00:15:24,690 --> 00:15:26,759
Missing mass is a mortal sin.

334
00:15:26,825 --> 00:15:27,993
To mortal without.

335
00:15:28,060 --> 00:15:30,296
If you don't ask for forgiveness, you will go straight to hell.

336
00:15:30,362 --> 00:15:32,031
This is what my father taught us.

337
00:15:32,097 --> 00:15:33,198
For my father.

338
00:15:33,265 --> 00:15:34,800
I don't know if he's right.

339
00:15:34,867 --> 00:15:36,035
I don't know.

340
00:15:36,101 --> 00:15:37,803
It didn't make much sense.

341
00:15:37,870 --> 00:15:41,974
I said, "So, if I miss mass and get hit by a car..."

342
00:15:42,041 --> 00:15:45,044
And he completed the sentence: "You're going to go to hell."

343
00:15:45,811 --> 00:15:48,480
"Unless you ask for forgiveness before you die."

344
00:15:48,547 --> 00:15:49,515
"Well, I got hit by a car."

345
00:15:49,581 --> 00:15:51,951
"Well then you're going to go to hell for missing mass."

346
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:55,554
I say to them, "What if Ted Bundy apologized?"

347
00:15:55,621 --> 00:15:56,588
"It's okay. It's okay."

348
00:15:56,655 --> 00:15:59,024
I say, "That doesn't... That doesn't make sense."

349
00:15:59,091 --> 00:16:01,961
He replies, "That's the way it is. It's a mortal sin."

350
00:16:02,828 --> 00:16:04,396
So we went to mass.

351
00:16:05,264 --> 00:16:07,299
A few months ago, he was still talking about it.

352
00:16:07,366 --> 00:16:10,869
He tells me: "Hey, you don't go to mass, do you?"

353
00:16:10,936 --> 00:16:12,838
I say, "Not me."

354
00:16:13,872 --> 00:16:16,408
He replies, "Your brother isn't going either. Your sister isn't going either."

355
00:16:16,475 --> 00:16:18,510
"None of your children are going." I say: "I'm not going."

356
00:16:18,577 --> 00:16:21,447
He replies, "Well, I'm the only one going."

357
00:16:21,947 --> 00:16:23,882
"So I'm going to heaven and you're not."

358
00:16:24,850 --> 00:16:27,419
He tells me: "How am I going to see you?" I told him: "Stop going to mass."

359
00:16:29,154 --> 00:16:30,422
"Come see us in hell."

360
00:16:32,558 --> 00:16:33,459
Simple.

361
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:36,462
I was good at mass.

362
00:16:36,528 --> 00:16:37,730
I was good at it.

363
00:16:37,796 --> 00:16:39,665
I thought... that I knew everything.

364
00:16:39,732 --> 00:16:42,368
And I know that there are many different religious denominations,

365
00:16:42,434 --> 00:16:44,937
and, you know, you have your services,

366
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,740
But in the Catholic mass, for example, there are many things.

367
00:16:47,806 --> 00:16:49,775
You have to kneel, stand up, shake hands.

368
00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:51,443
You have to know everything. I knew everything.

369
00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:53,512
I don't know how I could be so bad at school.

370
00:16:53,579 --> 00:16:56,115
I don't know how I learned every sentence, every saying by heart.

371
00:16:56,181 --> 00:16:58,684
I knew everything. I didn't know this. This was…

372
00:16:58,751 --> 00:17:01,220
There is a part of the mass that no one knows,

373
00:17:01,286 --> 00:17:04,690
And they just say, "I don't know. Do this."

374
00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:07,226
You can look. Go to a Catholic mass and watch how people...

375
00:17:07,292 --> 00:17:09,294
"Okay, do-do-do-do-do."

376
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,697
It's a baseball sign.

377
00:17:12,364 --> 00:17:15,968
I didn't know what that was. I just kept doing it non-stop.

378
00:17:16,969 --> 00:17:19,471
I feel like I could say Mass, it was so good at 10.

379
00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:21,907
I knew it perfectly. I knew it. I knew everything.

380
00:17:21,974 --> 00:17:26,211
Then I came back once. Everything has changed. You're just wrong about all the sayings, right?

381
00:17:26,278 --> 00:17:28,514
Sometimes you have a friend who is not Catholic and stays over at your house.

382
00:17:28,580 --> 00:17:31,116
That was fun. You just play pranks on them in church.

383
00:17:31,617 --> 00:17:32,785
Yes, I did it all the time.

384
00:17:32,851 --> 00:17:34,720
"Just shout 'hallelujah' here. Shout out loud!"

385
00:17:34,787 --> 00:17:35,754
Alleluia!

386
00:17:35,821 --> 00:17:38,424
"Okay, no, I was joking. We don't say that."

387
00:17:39,258 --> 00:17:41,060
"We don't say hallelujah like that."

388
00:17:44,363 --> 00:17:50,169
He still lives in… in the condo that, uh, we… we bought him.

389
00:17:50,235 --> 00:17:51,637
It was me most of the time, but...

390
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:57,242
…we bought it.

391
00:17:57,309 --> 00:17:58,944
That's the "we" part.

392
00:18:00,145 --> 00:18:02,381
I remember the day we showed it to my parents…

393
00:18:02,448 --> 00:18:05,851
They were almost eighty years old and had never owned property.

394
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:10,923
Así que cuando mi esposa y yo tuvimos, eh, cierto éxito en la comedia en vivo…

395
00:18:16,061 --> 00:18:20,165
…nosotros… compramos a sus padres y a mis padres

396
00:18:20,232 --> 00:18:21,433
Sus primeras propiedades, ¿verdad?

397
00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:24,636
Y, eh, no eran nada del otro mundo, y llevan nuestro nombre.

398
00:18:24,703 --> 00:18:27,473
No es que simplemente lo regaláramos, fue una inversión.

399
00:18:27,539 --> 00:18:28,941
It wasn't a big deal.

400
00:18:29,007 --> 00:18:32,411
Eh, y recuerdo que averiguamos dónde querían vivir,

401
00:18:32,478 --> 00:18:34,046
y queríamos sorprenderlos.

402
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:37,216
Así que teníamos allí al agente inmobiliario, y entramos en este condominio.

403
00:18:37,282 --> 00:18:38,817
Íbamos a presentar una oferta,

404
00:18:38,884 --> 00:18:42,254
And I said, "Dad, we... we... especially me,

405
00:18:42,321 --> 00:18:45,357
But let's buy this for you and mom.

406
00:18:45,424 --> 00:18:46,892
He said, "I can't live here."

407
00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:49,328
I say, "What?" He answers: "I can't live here."

408
00:18:50,062 --> 00:18:53,799
I asked him, "Why?" He replied: "It's too high. "The seventh floor is too high."

409
00:18:54,500 --> 00:18:57,736
I didn't know where I was going. I asked him, "What do you mean it's too high?"

410
00:18:57,803 --> 00:19:00,739
He says, "If there's a fire, I can't jump."

411
00:19:02,441 --> 00:19:05,043
I tell him: "Yes, no one can. "It's the seventh floor."

412
00:19:05,677 --> 00:19:07,546
"You're 78 years old. You can't... I know."

413
00:19:07,613 --> 00:19:09,848
He says, "Well, I don't live here, because if I get stuck,

414
00:19:09,915 --> 00:19:14,453
and the fire is outside, in the hallway; I have to jump and I will die.

415
00:19:16,455 --> 00:19:18,390
"So we have to live on the ground floor."

416
00:19:18,891 --> 00:19:21,627
He says, "No, no. Fifth floor or lower."

417
00:19:21,693 --> 00:19:24,029
Fifth floor? Is that... the fifth floor?

418
00:19:24,730 --> 00:19:25,898
"Fifth floor?"

419
00:19:26,932 --> 00:19:29,801
"Fifth floor, I'll jump. "I'll be fine."

420
00:19:29,868 --> 00:19:33,338
He believed he could jump from the fifth floor. I asked him: "And mom?"

421
00:19:33,405 --> 00:19:35,974
He replies: "I have no idea. "She'll have to find out."

422
00:19:36,041 --> 00:19:38,377
"But I'm going to jump from the fifth floor."

423
00:19:39,311 --> 00:19:40,812
And that's what he thought.

424
00:19:40,879 --> 00:19:46,151
He thought, "I have a chance if I live on the fifth floor or below."

425
00:19:46,218 --> 00:19:50,789
When we finally moved them, I called him out to the balcony.

426
00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:52,224
He was leaning on the balcony.

427
00:19:52,291 --> 00:19:53,926
And it is still high.

428
00:19:53,992 --> 00:19:56,595
At that time, he was probably about 40 years old.

429
00:19:56,662 --> 00:19:58,697
I tell him, "I wouldn't... I would never do that."

430
00:19:58,764 --> 00:19:59,698
I just…

431
00:20:00,499 --> 00:20:01,466
So I call him.

432
00:20:01,533 --> 00:20:04,102
He was leaning on the balcony like this, and I said, "Come here, Dad."

433
00:20:04,169 --> 00:20:06,004
He approached and I told him:

434
00:20:06,071 --> 00:20:09,041
"So if there's a fire, you... you would jump from here?"

435
00:20:09,107 --> 00:20:10,909
He says, "Oh, that's nothing."

436
00:20:10,976 --> 00:20:15,113
"That's it... There's grass everywhere. There's a tree I could grab."

437
00:20:15,180 --> 00:20:16,448
I say, "He's 78 years old."

438
00:20:16,515 --> 00:20:19,251
He didn't... He didn't practice gymnastics all his life.

439
00:20:19,318 --> 00:20:21,086
I don't know what he's thinking.

440
00:20:21,987 --> 00:20:23,622
It's just that he's very stubborn.

441
00:20:24,289 --> 00:20:27,159
I said, "And this balcony? And this railing?"

442
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:28,627
He said, "I would just jump over that."

443
00:20:28,694 --> 00:20:31,363
Jump, like a bunny, like Bugs Bunny.

444
00:20:31,430 --> 00:20:32,731
Just jump over it.

445
00:20:35,567 --> 00:20:37,836
I said, "Dad, I'm just going to remind you what happened a couple of weeks ago,

446
00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:41,039
We had to put a… we had to put a door on your bathtub.

447
00:20:41,106 --> 00:20:42,474
because you can't do that.

448
00:20:43,642 --> 00:20:46,078
It's true. I said, "You can't do this."

449
00:20:46,144 --> 00:20:47,846
"Just when you're looking out onto the balcony,

450
00:20:47,913 --> 00:20:51,049
Remember that you don't have that move anymore, okay?

451
00:20:56,355 --> 00:20:57,956
The hardest part…

452
00:20:58,023 --> 00:21:00,525
…my dad doesn't, uh, text.

453
00:21:00,592 --> 00:21:03,128
He doesn't, uh... He just calls.

454
00:21:03,195 --> 00:21:04,596
That's it... No text messages allowed.

455
00:21:04,663 --> 00:21:07,132
And I'm sure if you have an older parent, you already know this.

456
00:21:07,199 --> 00:21:08,900
But he will keep calling until he finds you.

457
00:21:09,534 --> 00:21:11,503
And he'll just... you know, he'll try again.

458
00:21:11,570 --> 00:21:14,006
He just... It's literally, sometimes you could be playing golf,

459
00:21:14,072 --> 00:21:15,707
You could be in a meeting, it doesn't matter.

460
00:21:15,774 --> 00:21:17,175
Then you think, "I have to get this."

461
00:21:17,242 --> 00:21:20,178
And it's just that kind of thing that... He says what he thinks.

462
00:21:20,245 --> 00:21:23,715
So he calls me and I finally say, "Dad, what's wrong?"

463
00:21:23,782 --> 00:21:25,150
"I'm in a meeting. What's going on?"

464
00:21:25,217 --> 00:21:26,585
"I don't want to be cremated."

465
00:21:26,652 --> 00:21:29,955
"Okay, okay, good. I'll write it down, okay?"

466
00:21:30,022 --> 00:21:32,291
"No, no, just make sure, I don't want to get cremated."

467
00:21:32,357 --> 00:21:34,593
"I just decided not to." "Okay, good, dad."

468
00:21:34,660 --> 00:21:36,695
He has lost his memory, so he does it again the next day.

469
00:21:36,762 --> 00:21:40,432
So it's a whole week of hearing, "I don't want to be cremated."

470
00:21:40,499 --> 00:21:41,533
The first thing that comes to mind.

471
00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:44,069
It conveys it to you bluntly.

472
00:21:44,136 --> 00:21:46,104
And sometimes he doesn't answer the phone.

473
00:21:46,171 --> 00:21:48,340
And now, if you have older parents,

474
00:21:48,407 --> 00:21:52,210
You know how frustrating this is. Suddenly, they stop answering the phone.

475
00:21:52,277 --> 00:21:54,513
So there's a little chat between my brother, my sister and me.

476
00:21:54,579 --> 00:21:57,149
I ask him: "Did you talk to dad?" "No, I didn't talk to him yesterday."

477
00:21:57,215 --> 00:21:58,583
"I tried." "Me too."

478
00:21:59,084 --> 00:22:01,119
"Oh my God!" And then... He is 92 years old.

479
00:22:01,186 --> 00:22:02,954
It's like you're saying, "Oh, no!"

480
00:22:03,488 --> 00:22:04,389
And this is my advice.

481
00:22:04,456 --> 00:22:07,159
If you have an older parent, live as far away from your siblings as possible.

482
00:22:07,225 --> 00:22:08,694
because you always have to...

483
00:22:10,696 --> 00:22:11,797
You have to watch them.

484
00:22:11,863 --> 00:22:15,067
I thought my sister... I thought... I thought my sister said,

485
00:22:15,133 --> 00:22:16,201
"Do a death check."

486
00:22:16,268 --> 00:22:17,703
She said, "Go see if your father is okay."

487
00:22:17,769 --> 00:22:20,038
And I thought it was… I thought it was a bad check.

488
00:22:20,105 --> 00:22:22,307
Now we call it a bad check. "I'm going to write a bad check."

489
00:22:22,941 --> 00:22:24,376
I've done like 30 failed checks.

490
00:22:24,443 --> 00:22:27,346
And you know what I mean. It's like you're saying, "Hey, well, this could be it."

491
00:22:27,412 --> 00:22:31,616
So you have to stop what you're doing, go to his apartment. You have to force your way in.

492
00:22:32,851 --> 00:22:36,321
He's sleeping. If he's sleeping, I'm by the bed.

493
00:22:36,388 --> 00:22:38,824
I'll text my sister, "He's alive. He's okay."

494
00:22:38,890 --> 00:22:42,160
Still good. Still there. I have written about 30 bad checks.

495
00:22:42,227 --> 00:22:43,762
And he's still alive.

496
00:22:44,763 --> 00:22:46,598
I don't know how much longer I can tell that story.

497
00:22:46,665 --> 00:22:49,835
So this might be the last time I say it, but right now it's okay.

498
00:22:49,901 --> 00:22:51,236
Alright. He's at home right now.

499
00:22:51,303 --> 00:22:53,505
If I called him, he would say, "Hello? Don't cremate me."

500
00:22:53,572 --> 00:22:55,540
"Remember that. Okay."

501
00:22:56,908 --> 00:22:58,009
The dead check.

502
00:22:59,244 --> 00:23:01,346
He put us to work when we were children.

503
00:23:02,114 --> 00:23:05,384
How many of you worked when you were under 13 years old?

504
00:23:05,450 --> 00:23:07,152
Yes, isn't it different now?

505
00:23:07,219 --> 00:23:09,821
We don't do that with our children.

506
00:23:09,888 --> 00:23:13,558
I had a newspaper delivery, at 10 years old. At five in the morning.

507
00:23:13,625 --> 00:23:15,193
That's what I did. In the most absolute darkness.

508
00:23:15,260 --> 00:23:17,629
As a child, I was this big. I was that big.

509
00:23:18,163 --> 00:23:20,632
I told my dad, "Hey, dad." And he took the money.

510
00:23:20,699 --> 00:23:22,801
He says something like, "That's for... That's for me."

511
00:23:22,868 --> 00:23:25,771
"That's up to me because I do that."

512
00:23:26,671 --> 00:23:28,073
Like nine dollars a week.

513
00:23:28,140 --> 00:23:30,909
Don't know. How important were those nine dollars a week to me…?

514
00:23:30,976 --> 00:23:33,078
I told him: "Dad, I mean, you sent me out at 10."

515
00:23:33,145 --> 00:23:35,180
"I would never let my 10-year-old son go out."

516
00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:38,683
I'm terrified of letting him walk home from school alone at four in the afternoon.

517
00:23:39,418 --> 00:23:40,786
I asked him, "How did you let me do that?"

518
00:23:40,852 --> 00:23:43,588
"Weren't you worried, for example, about predators and pedophiles?"

519
00:23:43,655 --> 00:23:46,324
He says, "No, they weren't... they weren't a real thing."

520
00:23:46,391 --> 00:23:48,860
"You had big teeth." And he responds: "I'm not going to lie to you."

521
00:23:49,961 --> 00:23:53,331
He says, "You were like... No... you didn't look good."

522
00:23:53,398 --> 00:23:57,102
"It wasn't... They weren't going to look at you and say... They were just going to..."

523
00:23:58,303 --> 00:23:59,638
That's what he thought. "No."

524
00:24:06,278 --> 00:24:08,313
I was… I was little.

525
00:24:09,080 --> 00:24:11,416
I was little. My son is little.

526
00:24:12,017 --> 00:24:17,422
In tenth grade, in tenth grade… Try to understand this.

527
00:24:17,489 --> 00:24:19,024
This is true.

528
00:24:19,090 --> 00:24:20,625
I was five feet tall.

529
00:24:21,126 --> 00:24:22,828
Now think if you have children.

530
00:24:22,894 --> 00:24:25,363
Are there children here?

531
00:24:25,430 --> 00:24:26,498
Oh yes we do.

532
00:24:26,998 --> 00:24:29,434
Okay, with a fake ID, how... how did you get in?

533
00:24:30,435 --> 00:24:31,703
How old are you?

534
00:24:31,770 --> 00:24:33,171
-Eleven. -Eleven and…

535
00:24:33,238 --> 00:24:34,406
-Thirteen. -Thirteen.

536
00:24:34,473 --> 00:24:37,275
Eleven, how tall are you, 11 year old boy? 1.50 meters.

537
00:24:37,342 --> 00:24:39,878
So I was an inch taller than you in tenth grade.

538
00:24:39,945 --> 00:24:40,946
That's not...

539
00:24:41,947 --> 00:24:44,983
It's not... Yeah, you think, "Yeah, that's not right."

540
00:24:46,451 --> 00:24:48,053
It wasn't good. It wasn't fun.

541
00:24:48,119 --> 00:24:49,387
I weighed 85 pounds.

542
00:24:49,988 --> 00:24:51,256
And this is not a joke.

543
00:24:51,323 --> 00:24:53,525
I weighed 85 pounds in 10th grade.

544
00:24:53,592 --> 00:24:54,459
Five feet tall.

545
00:24:54,526 --> 00:24:55,494
Thank God.

546
00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:59,097
If you were that size today, by law, you would still have to use a car seat.

547
00:25:00,232 --> 00:25:02,000
Because 85 pounds is the limit.

548
00:25:02,067 --> 00:25:03,702
Can you imagine that you are going to attend the tenth grade?

549
00:25:03,768 --> 00:25:06,238
And you go to school like that in a rear-facing wheelchair?

550
00:25:06,938 --> 00:25:08,473
What you see is a lot of trees.

551
00:25:08,540 --> 00:25:11,510
And you ask me: "Are we close? Are we close, dad?"

552
00:25:12,477 --> 00:25:14,980
"I recognize those trees. I feel like we're close."

553
00:25:15,046 --> 00:25:16,314
"Are there any more goldfish?"

554
00:25:16,381 --> 00:25:17,849
Are there more goldfish up there?

555
00:25:19,117 --> 00:25:22,554
At your semi-formal event, your date, who weighs 112 pounds, is sitting up front with your dad.

556
00:25:22,621 --> 00:25:25,524
"Hello, Julie. Hello, Julie. Can't wait to see you!"

557
00:25:25,590 --> 00:25:27,959
"I can't turn my neck. I'm wearing a five-point harness. I'm sorry."

558
00:25:32,163 --> 00:25:33,498
It's no fun being that size.

559
00:25:33,565 --> 00:25:34,633
It just wasn't fun.

560
00:25:34,699 --> 00:25:36,635
My daughter says to me, "Didn't you have any daughters?"

561
00:25:36,701 --> 00:25:38,470
I tell them: "No, I didn't meet girls."

562
00:25:38,537 --> 00:25:40,205
You didn't know girls when you were that size.

563
00:25:40,272 --> 00:25:42,807
Because girls don't want a boy who is five feet tall and weighs 38 kilos.

564
00:25:42,874 --> 00:25:43,975
Good?

565
00:25:44,042 --> 00:25:45,443
How old are you, 11?

566
00:25:45,510 --> 00:25:48,713
Okay, you've learned a couple of new terms.

567
00:25:48,780 --> 00:25:49,848
"Monogamy."

568
00:25:51,316 --> 00:25:53,184
"Celibacy."

569
00:25:54,185 --> 00:25:55,654
They both mean "no fun."

570
00:25:57,022 --> 00:25:58,790
Did you know?... Did you know about "monogamy"?

571
00:25:58,857 --> 00:25:59,724
No, you don't know.

572
00:25:59,791 --> 00:26:02,928
Does your sister know? Are you 13 years old and know what monogamy means?

573
00:26:04,796 --> 00:26:08,667
Look, I was a teacher, so I still like to teach sometimes, right?

574
00:26:09,167 --> 00:26:10,268
Yes.

575
00:26:10,335 --> 00:26:12,771
Monog...monkey, monkey.

576
00:26:13,371 --> 00:26:15,073
One, one.

577
00:26:15,574 --> 00:26:17,909
I think it's Latin for one, monkey.

578
00:26:18,510 --> 00:26:20,512
Gamos, it didn't work.

579
00:26:21,713 --> 00:26:23,982
That's what gamos means in Greek.

580
00:26:24,049 --> 00:26:24,983
How boring.

581
00:26:28,787 --> 00:26:31,089
Polyamorous, lots of fun.

582
00:26:32,824 --> 00:26:33,892
Just a couple of new words.

583
00:26:33,959 --> 00:26:36,428
You can notify your teachers when classes start.

584
00:26:36,494 --> 00:26:38,730
Ask them, "Do you know what monogamous means, miss?"

585
00:26:38,797 --> 00:26:39,998
"Are you monogamous?"

586
00:26:40,065 --> 00:26:41,032
Ask her.

587
00:26:41,533 --> 00:26:42,801
That will be well received.

588
00:26:45,971 --> 00:26:47,005
Don't ask them.

589
00:26:48,773 --> 00:26:51,977
Do you practice any sports? Do you both practice any sport? What sport do you practice?

590
00:26:52,043 --> 00:26:55,714
Volleyball and skiing. Excellent! And your sister? Is she your sister?

591
00:26:55,780 --> 00:26:57,649
No? Just a child you brought?

592
00:26:59,217 --> 00:27:00,619
How are you connected?

593
00:27:00,685 --> 00:27:01,519
Are you friends?

594
00:27:01,586 --> 00:27:02,887
Are they mom and dad?

595
00:27:02,954 --> 00:27:04,122
Is this mom?

596
00:27:04,189 --> 00:27:07,158
Okay, I was getting a little worried. This is…

597
00:27:07,225 --> 00:27:10,662
Look, this… this isn't monogamy, what they're doing right there.

598
00:27:13,198 --> 00:27:18,503
Excuse me, then you, sir, are his father, and you, ma'am, are his mother.

599
00:27:18,570 --> 00:27:20,872
-So you two are together? -We are monogamous.

600
00:27:20,939 --> 00:27:22,574
Are you... are you married?

601
00:27:22,641 --> 00:27:24,275
-Yeah. —The other girl is a friend of mine.

602
00:27:24,342 --> 00:27:27,912
And his parents told him: "Go back. We don't... Get out of here!"

603
00:27:28,413 --> 00:27:29,748
There they are.

604
00:27:30,315 --> 00:27:32,517
And what do you play? ¿Cómo te llamas, el chico de 13 años?

605
00:27:32,584 --> 00:27:35,220
—Vivian. —Vivian, ¿qué deportes practicas?

606
00:27:35,286 --> 00:27:36,955
Skiing and basketball.

607
00:27:37,022 --> 00:27:38,623
I like that. ¡Bien por ustedes, chicas!

608
00:27:38,690 --> 00:27:39,891
And do you like school?

609
00:27:42,827 --> 00:27:44,362
No lo necesitas, créeme.

610
00:27:44,429 --> 00:27:45,630
Just do this.

611
00:27:46,398 --> 00:27:47,399
Do this.

612
00:27:48,500 --> 00:27:51,202
Esto es a lo que mi esposa y yo nos dedicamos. Do this.

613
00:27:54,639 --> 00:27:59,144
Let me tell you, hey, I was once introduced as a Canadian celebrity, and it shocked me.

614
00:27:59,210 --> 00:28:00,679
I said, "Yes, that's it."

615
00:28:00,745 --> 00:28:04,449
Hey, he's not a celebrity. He's just a Canadian celebrity.

616
00:28:04,949 --> 00:28:07,652
And I will tell you that there are many differences

617
00:28:07,719 --> 00:28:11,423
between a Canadian celebrity and a celebrity.

618
00:28:11,489 --> 00:28:13,591
First of all, it should just be some celebrity.

619
00:28:13,658 --> 00:28:17,429
It shouldn't be something like: "Let's put his country first, because he's not..."

620
00:28:18,496 --> 00:28:22,467
And you... you know, the thing is, you kind of wish you were a celebrity.

621
00:28:22,534 --> 00:28:24,569
I wish everyone knew you, right?

622
00:28:24,636 --> 00:28:26,337
For example, I came walking. It was 40 minutes walking.

623
00:28:26,404 --> 00:28:29,240
They ask me: "Do you want to drive?" And I tell them: "I prefer to walk. I want..."

624
00:28:29,307 --> 00:28:31,242
You know, I hope someone...

625
00:28:32,544 --> 00:28:33,445
I'm not kidding.

626
00:28:33,511 --> 00:28:34,779
I'm staring at people.

627
00:28:34,846 --> 00:28:35,680
"Hello."

628
00:28:36,181 --> 00:28:38,450
Nobody. A guy… and I'm not making this up.

629
00:28:38,516 --> 00:28:41,853
A guy, a homeless man, tells him: "Hey, the one on TV!"

630
00:28:41,920 --> 00:28:43,555
That was the closest I got.

631
00:28:43,621 --> 00:28:45,590
I don't know how he knew it. I don't know how he knew it.

632
00:28:45,657 --> 00:28:47,992
He said, "The guy on TV." I said, "Thank you."

633
00:28:49,427 --> 00:28:50,829
There are many differences

634
00:28:50,895 --> 00:28:55,667
What I have learned in my... in my career as this Canadian celebrity,

635
00:28:55,734 --> 00:28:56,801
which flatters me,

636
00:28:56,868 --> 00:28:59,571
But at the end of the day, I realize the difference.

637
00:28:59,637 --> 00:29:03,041
To start, I answer my emails myself. That doesn't make me famous. That's not...

638
00:29:03,108 --> 00:29:07,078
You don't feel important when you're sitting at your kitchen island, in your laminate kitchen.

639
00:29:07,145 --> 00:29:09,013
and someone sends you an email.

640
00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:12,517
First of all, I'm... I'm amazed that people know how to contact me.

641
00:29:12,584 --> 00:29:13,752
That's Canada.

642
00:29:13,818 --> 00:29:16,588
I think you just look up my email and it's like, "There it is."

643
00:29:16,654 --> 00:29:19,457
"Oh, I'll send him an email. Maybe I'll go visit him at his house."

644
00:29:19,958 --> 00:29:23,294
It's not the same with real celebrities. You can't just send them an email.

645
00:29:23,361 --> 00:29:25,663
And secondly, they are not reading it. That's the difference.

646
00:29:25,730 --> 00:29:28,633
People are so funny because sometimes they act like I'm an even bigger celebrity.

647
00:29:28,700 --> 00:29:32,103
For example: "Hello, I don't know if Gerry will receive this..."

648
00:29:32,170 --> 00:29:34,372
But I'm reading it. That's me.

649
00:29:36,641 --> 00:29:41,679
Once… Sometimes he responded with another name, for example.

650
00:29:41,746 --> 00:29:44,883
As if, uh, I had another person.

651
00:29:44,949 --> 00:29:46,117
I don't. It's just me.

652
00:29:46,184 --> 00:29:47,452
I'm here alone.

653
00:29:47,519 --> 00:29:50,421
I'll go alone. I will leave through the same door as you.

654
00:29:50,488 --> 00:29:52,791
And I'll walk home, and nothing will happen.

655
00:29:52,857 --> 00:29:53,792
That's the difference.

656
00:29:53,858 --> 00:29:56,728
But once I signed, and out of habit, I signed as "Gerry."

657
00:29:56,795 --> 00:29:57,862
So I said, "Yeah, okay,

658
00:29:57,929 --> 00:30:00,832
I'll let Gerry know you're looking for him.

659
00:30:00,899 --> 00:30:04,335
Hey, and I'll tell him. Thanks, Gerry. Send.

660
00:30:04,402 --> 00:30:06,304
And then I thought, "Oh my God!"

661
00:30:06,871 --> 00:30:10,108
Because I'm so used to regular emails being signed "Gerry."

662
00:30:10,175 --> 00:30:14,445
So I replied, "Just so you know, we also have a Gerry in marketing."

663
00:30:16,114 --> 00:30:18,483
Like… like I worked for a big company.

664
00:30:18,550 --> 00:30:22,453
"Yes, we will try to contact Gerry, the real Gerry. He is very busy."

665
00:30:22,520 --> 00:30:24,556
"Walk a lot."

666
00:30:24,622 --> 00:30:29,294
I'm going to tell you the three worst things that made me feel like I'm not a celebrity.

667
00:30:29,360 --> 00:30:30,428
And it is a test.

668
00:30:30,495 --> 00:30:33,932
One is one that a guy wrote to me, and I read it, because I just… I read them.

669
00:30:33,998 --> 00:30:35,166
You can email me tonight.

670
00:30:35,233 --> 00:30:38,403
I guarantee you, you will, and I will be the one to answer.

671
00:30:38,469 --> 00:30:39,971
after getting home.

672
00:30:40,038 --> 00:30:40,872
I will do that.

673
00:30:40,939 --> 00:30:42,607
Now, sometimes I won't, but no...

674
00:30:42,674 --> 00:30:44,442
Anyway, it happens. It happens all the time.

675
00:30:44,509 --> 00:30:47,512
Then this guy texts me: "Hi, Gerry."

676
00:30:47,579 --> 00:30:49,547
Now it bothers me that he knows I'm just reading it.

677
00:30:49,614 --> 00:30:50,815
He says something like: "Yes, he is..."

678
00:30:52,483 --> 00:30:55,887
He didn't say the whole sentence: "I'm not sure if Gerry will get..."

679
00:30:55,954 --> 00:31:00,258
He just tells me, "Hey, Gerry, hey, I can't come to your show on Friday."

680
00:31:00,325 --> 00:31:03,094
"Eh, I can't go. Eh, I wonder if I can get a refund?"

681
00:31:03,161 --> 00:31:07,065
A él se lo envía. This is the guy he believes…

682
00:31:07,131 --> 00:31:09,100
He is at home with his wife.

683
00:31:09,167 --> 00:31:12,971
He's at home with his wife and says, "Can't we go to that show?"

684
00:31:13,037 --> 00:31:15,907
"Okay, I'll email Gerry. Yes, I'll get my money back."

685
00:31:15,974 --> 00:31:18,109
"No, he'll pay me back. Probably..."

686
00:31:18,176 --> 00:31:22,413
This guy thought I had all my Visa receipts right above my bed.

687
00:31:22,480 --> 00:31:24,782
And I just said, "Okay, Dave, do you want a refund?"

688
00:31:24,849 --> 00:31:26,618
"Let me show you your visa proof here."

689
00:31:26,684 --> 00:31:28,620
"I'm going to revoke the charges."

690
00:31:28,686 --> 00:31:29,621
That's not how things work.

691
00:31:29,687 --> 00:31:33,591
No... you don't go to Coldplay, and you can't go and go,

692
00:31:33,658 --> 00:31:34,959
"I'll email Chris Martin."

693
00:31:35,026 --> 00:31:36,628
"Yes, he is the lead singer."

694
00:31:36,694 --> 00:31:39,564
No, this guy does. It's like... And the truth is that he is right.

695
00:31:39,631 --> 00:31:41,532
That was what bothered me. He was right.

696
00:31:41,599 --> 00:31:43,601
I was the person to go to.

697
00:31:44,102 --> 00:31:44,936
So I answered him.

698
00:31:45,003 --> 00:31:47,472
I say, "Listen, I'm sorry... I'm sorry you can't come to the show,

699
00:31:47,538 --> 00:31:50,275
But unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. It's not that simple...

700
00:31:50,341 --> 00:31:53,311
You know, I said the usual thing to him: "What if everyone wanted that?"

701
00:31:53,378 --> 00:31:55,546
He replies, “Well, it’s not everyone. "It's just me."

702
00:31:55,613 --> 00:31:59,284
Okay, now… now we're just in a chat. We're not even emailing each other.

703
00:32:00,718 --> 00:32:03,087
I said, "Why don't you give them away?"

704
00:32:03,154 --> 00:32:04,956
"Or I'll give you tickets."

705
00:32:05,023 --> 00:32:07,158
"I'll write down your name. I'll give you the tickets."

706
00:32:07,225 --> 00:32:10,094
"I'll give it to my marketing manager and write down your name."

707
00:32:10,161 --> 00:32:13,031
and I'll give you tickets to any other show, in any city.

708
00:32:13,097 --> 00:32:14,198
He says, "No."

709
00:32:15,833 --> 00:32:18,736
I couldn't understand this process. He said, "Why can't you...?"

710
00:32:18,803 --> 00:32:20,438
This is what he writes to me.

711
00:32:20,505 --> 00:32:22,907
"Why don't you sell them on Kijiji for me?"

712
00:32:22,974 --> 00:32:23,975
"For me."

713
00:32:25,343 --> 00:32:27,245
"For me. Sell them for me on Kijiji."

714
00:32:27,312 --> 00:32:28,246
And I thought about it.

715
00:32:28,313 --> 00:32:30,815
I say, "I have an account. I have an account."

716
00:32:30,882 --> 00:32:31,716
Just sell them.

717
00:32:31,783 --> 00:32:35,586
"Hello everyone, I'm Gerry Dee and I'm selling tickets to my show."

718
00:32:35,653 --> 00:32:37,922
"Come pick them up at my house."

719
00:32:39,457 --> 00:32:41,559
I was like, "I'm not a celebrity."

720
00:32:42,360 --> 00:32:43,861
What other jobs have I had?

721
00:32:43,928 --> 00:32:45,229
Waiter.

722
00:32:45,296 --> 00:32:46,998
That was one of the hardest jobs.

723
00:32:47,065 --> 00:32:48,700
I was horrible. Awful.

724
00:32:49,300 --> 00:32:51,069
Two groups of people I didn't like.

725
00:32:51,569 --> 00:32:53,204
One, the tea drinkers.

726
00:32:55,139 --> 00:32:56,140
Yes, they are…

727
00:32:56,207 --> 00:33:00,411
They ruin your night because they need a lot of things to make tea.

728
00:33:01,212 --> 00:33:04,983
When someone wants to drink tea, there are seven things you have to find.

729
00:33:05,049 --> 00:33:06,551
And if you're a waiter, you already know it.

730
00:33:06,617 --> 00:33:08,820
And they're not... There's no major tip that comes from the tea.

731
00:33:08,886 --> 00:33:10,121
Seventeen cents.

732
00:33:10,621 --> 00:33:13,758
And as soon as you have to wait tables and get rid of your system,

733
00:33:13,825 --> 00:33:14,926
Your night is ruined!

734
00:33:14,993 --> 00:33:18,162
All your tables are messy because of that person with his tea.

735
00:33:18,229 --> 00:33:19,964
"Could you bring me some tea, please?"

736
00:33:20,465 --> 00:33:24,002
You need a spoon, a saucer, a cup, hot water, the little silver cups,

737
00:33:24,068 --> 00:33:24,902
milk, sugar.

738
00:33:24,969 --> 00:33:27,472
There are too many things. So I just say, "We're out of tea. COVID."

739
00:33:28,539 --> 00:33:30,641
It was 1996.

740
00:33:30,708 --> 00:33:32,110
"We're out of tea. COVID."

741
00:33:33,277 --> 00:33:34,612
I'm just saying we're out of tea.

742
00:33:34,679 --> 00:33:38,483
And if a guy walked by with tea, I'd say, "See? That's the last tea."

743
00:33:38,549 --> 00:33:41,152
I did it for eight of my ten years.

744
00:33:41,219 --> 00:33:45,056
For eight years, if you had sat in my section, you would have thought, "He never had tea."

745
00:33:45,123 --> 00:33:46,691
"That was the only thing."

746
00:33:46,758 --> 00:33:47,759
"I never had tea."

747
00:33:47,825 --> 00:33:49,994
"We always arrived at the wrong time."

748
00:33:50,561 --> 00:33:53,498
I always cheated on other people or lied to them, or I just didn't like them.

749
00:33:53,564 --> 00:33:56,467
We were decaf drinkers, and I'll tell you why.

750
00:33:56,534 --> 00:33:58,269
I'll tell you why, decaffeinated coffee drinkers.

751
00:33:58,336 --> 00:34:01,372
The best thing about coffee is the caffeine, without a doubt.

752
00:34:02,106 --> 00:34:04,809
Here's why, decaffeinated coffee drinkers, okay?

753
00:34:04,876 --> 00:34:07,945
I have to find the special coffee maker for decaffeinated coffee.

754
00:34:08,012 --> 00:34:10,615
It's an orange pot. It has an orange border.

755
00:34:10,681 --> 00:34:12,016
Anyone who works in the sector knows this.

756
00:34:12,083 --> 00:34:14,052
And it's never made, so you have to look for it.

757
00:34:14,118 --> 00:34:16,087
And again, it all depends on your system.

758
00:34:16,154 --> 00:34:17,955
Now I'm disoriented. I can't find the pot.

759
00:34:18,523 --> 00:34:23,661
The good thing about coffee is that you can't tell if there is…

760
00:34:23,728 --> 00:34:24,996
You can't know.

761
00:34:25,063 --> 00:34:26,164
You don't know.

762
00:34:26,931 --> 00:34:29,167
It's like carbon monoxide. Can't distinguish.

763
00:34:30,368 --> 00:34:32,970
You don't know. You can't see it. You can't smell it.

764
00:34:33,037 --> 00:34:37,475
So whether they drank caffeinated coffee or not, they would never know.

765
00:34:37,542 --> 00:34:40,378
I think, "By the time they realize this, they'll be long gone."

766
00:34:40,445 --> 00:34:41,746
And that's what I would do.

767
00:34:41,813 --> 00:34:44,816
There would be four people at the table. "Could you bring me a coffee? Normal, normal."

768
00:34:44,882 --> 00:34:48,386
Could you give me a decaf? It's just that I have a meeting in the morning, so I want...

769
00:34:48,453 --> 00:34:49,821
"Well, well."

770
00:34:49,887 --> 00:34:52,723
"Are you allergic to caffeine?" he always asked.

771
00:34:52,790 --> 00:34:54,625
-Don't know. —Well, we'll find out.

772
00:34:55,626 --> 00:34:57,395
"We're going to find out."

773
00:34:59,630 --> 00:35:00,665
That's what I would do.

774
00:35:00,731 --> 00:35:02,800
No way. I would bring four normal coffees.

775
00:35:02,867 --> 00:35:05,937
I would put a little straw, a little straw in his.

776
00:35:06,003 --> 00:35:08,539
And he thought: "That's the distinctive sign."

777
00:35:09,707 --> 00:35:11,776
She asks, "What is the straw for?"

778
00:35:11,843 --> 00:35:14,712
"That's to remind me, because I served you something special,

779
00:35:14,779 --> 00:35:16,747
So I had to make a little note.

780
00:35:16,814 --> 00:35:18,883
"Oh, that's good, because I have an important meeting!"

781
00:35:18,950 --> 00:35:19,984
I'm like, "Yeah, great."

782
00:35:20,051 --> 00:35:21,886
"Enjoy painting your house at two in the morning"

783
00:35:21,953 --> 00:35:25,156
because the first time you drink caffeine it's going to hit you hard.

784
00:35:27,658 --> 00:35:28,693
I was a teacher.

785
00:35:28,759 --> 00:35:29,927
I was a teacher.

786
00:35:30,428 --> 00:35:34,866
Teacher. I felt more like a celebrity when I was a teacher and taught my fourth graders.

787
00:35:34,932 --> 00:35:36,033
at the mall on a Saturday.

788
00:35:36,100 --> 00:35:37,335
"Oh my God...!"

789
00:35:42,073 --> 00:35:45,042
Do you know who... I don't miss more?

790
00:35:45,109 --> 00:35:48,179
And you would never think this, hey, smart kids.

791
00:35:49,347 --> 00:35:50,948
They ruin…

792
00:35:51,015 --> 00:35:52,383
They ruin your day.

793
00:35:52,450 --> 00:35:54,452
You don't do it...

794
00:35:54,519 --> 00:35:57,088
As parents, you spend your entire life trying to make your children smart.

795
00:35:57,155 --> 00:35:59,190
And I think, "I don't like those kids."

796
00:35:59,257 --> 00:36:02,093
They are the worst children. They are the worst children.

797
00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:04,896
They could be excellent company presidents.

798
00:36:04,962 --> 00:36:07,431
or doctors, or teachers, or lawyers, or whatever.

799
00:36:07,498 --> 00:36:10,101
But in class they're a pain, right?

800
00:36:10,168 --> 00:36:11,402
He had a girl, Sheila.

801
00:36:11,469 --> 00:36:13,504
I had her as a teacher in 11th and 12th grade.

802
00:36:13,571 --> 00:36:16,274
Now, I studied physical education and teach history and geography.

803
00:36:16,340 --> 00:36:18,109
I don't know him very well.

804
00:36:18,176 --> 00:36:20,578
I'm not going to lie. Don't know.

805
00:36:20,645 --> 00:36:22,313
I do the best I can.

806
00:36:22,380 --> 00:36:26,851
She sits there because this is her life, right?

807
00:36:26,918 --> 00:36:29,120
She thinks I'm a history and geography teacher.

808
00:36:29,187 --> 00:36:31,088
And that's how you play as a teacher.

809
00:36:31,155 --> 00:36:33,257
You can't come in and say, "Look, kids, I took P.E."

810
00:36:33,324 --> 00:36:35,593
"This is not my submarine..." Just pretend, go with the flow.

811
00:36:35,660 --> 00:36:38,396
"Okay, I know history. I love it. Let's get started."

812
00:36:38,896 --> 00:36:40,031
But here's the thing.

813
00:36:40,097 --> 00:36:42,767
With this kid, he's like a little micromanager, right?

814
00:36:42,833 --> 00:36:45,369
Like other children who are like me, normal, ordinary children.

815
00:36:45,436 --> 00:36:47,138
I was an average student in school.

816
00:36:47,205 --> 00:36:48,039
They were like me.

817
00:36:48,105 --> 00:36:50,541
They didn't want to start class right away, like at your job.

818
00:36:50,608 --> 00:36:51,542
You go to your work.

819
00:36:51,609 --> 00:36:52,476
You can enter and,

820
00:36:52,543 --> 00:36:54,679
How was your weekend, Bill? Oh good! What did you do?

821
00:36:54,745 --> 00:36:56,814
You don't have to go directly to your desktop, right?

822
00:36:56,881 --> 00:36:58,249
You can talk a little.

823
00:36:58,316 --> 00:36:59,417
Not with Sheila.

824
00:36:59,483 --> 00:37:02,186
The second, at 9:01, Sheila is in the front row.

825
00:37:02,253 --> 00:37:04,021
She has something on her hands.

826
00:37:04,088 --> 00:37:06,057
She is like that. 12th grade, 12th grade.

827
00:37:06,123 --> 00:37:08,993
Who does that…who raises their hand like that in their senior year of high school?

828
00:37:09,060 --> 00:37:11,929
This is what preschoolers do. Preschoolers say, “Pick me!”

829
00:37:11,996 --> 00:37:13,998
She's like that, right there.

830
00:37:14,065 --> 00:37:15,733
And I don't even look at her.

831
00:37:15,800 --> 00:37:16,867
I dominated…

832
00:37:18,102 --> 00:37:19,870
And I saw her thinking: "Why would he...?"

833
00:37:19,937 --> 00:37:22,106
"I'm like... And I raise my hand for three..."

834
00:37:22,173 --> 00:37:23,007
"Sir?"

835
00:37:23,074 --> 00:37:26,143
And I'm like, "Yeah, anyone else? What else would you guys do? Really?"

836
00:37:26,210 --> 00:37:28,279
I'm looking right behind her. She's like, "Oh my God!"

837
00:37:28,346 --> 00:37:30,548
She's just waving. He's trying to follow me.

838
00:37:30,615 --> 00:37:33,784
I know you have some "correction" to give me.

839
00:37:33,851 --> 00:37:35,152
or I have said something wrong.

840
00:37:35,219 --> 00:37:37,555
I don't care. I don't want to talk to her.

841
00:37:37,622 --> 00:37:40,524
I also know that he can't keep his hand raised for more than three minutes.

842
00:37:40,591 --> 00:37:43,527
Because she doesn't play sports, and lactic acid is going to accumulate.

843
00:37:43,594 --> 00:37:47,798
That's the truth. She didn't play sports, so at the end she was like, "Oh, my God!"

844
00:37:48,332 --> 00:37:49,967
"Ah, that's very difficult to do."

845
00:37:50,034 --> 00:37:52,937
"Oh, wow. I guess I'll ask my question tomorrow."

846
00:37:53,004 --> 00:37:54,472
That's all. She would leave.

847
00:37:59,510 --> 00:38:01,045
They love their brands.

848
00:38:01,112 --> 00:38:04,315
That is the most important thing for children when they are intelligent.

849
00:38:04,382 --> 00:38:06,851
I gave him a 100 on every exam. I learned that…

850
00:38:07,451 --> 00:38:09,120
Give it 100. I don't care.

851
00:38:09,186 --> 00:38:11,956
What, 90? No? Take your 100.

852
00:38:12,023 --> 00:38:15,059
That was the only way she was happy, because if she got a 98, she would go home.

853
00:38:15,126 --> 00:38:17,395
The whole family would join me.

854
00:38:18,896 --> 00:38:20,564
Only 100, always.

855
00:38:21,065 --> 00:38:23,067
Use your exam as an answer key.

856
00:38:27,772 --> 00:38:30,474
The funniest thing I've seen in class was this.

857
00:38:31,475 --> 00:38:32,576
I am a 12th grade teacher.

858
00:38:32,643 --> 00:38:36,380
I had a classmate. A nice guy, I really liked him.

859
00:38:36,447 --> 00:38:39,050
Twelve on average. He didn't try. No…

860
00:38:39,116 --> 00:38:41,152
But he wasn't a bad boy.

861
00:38:41,652 --> 00:38:42,520
I don't know.

862
00:38:42,586 --> 00:38:44,055
He just didn't come to class.

863
00:38:44,121 --> 00:38:47,058
He didn't try, so, you know, his grade was a 12.

864
00:38:47,124 --> 00:38:50,728
Now, you just ignore them because as children we can't hurt feelings.

865
00:38:50,795 --> 00:38:53,464
So we just fast-forwarded it.

866
00:38:53,531 --> 00:38:56,167
I asked him: "How did he pass?" "I don't know. He only made it to the twelfth grade."

867
00:38:57,401 --> 00:39:00,071
So all the children in their last month would come to you.

868
00:39:00,137 --> 00:39:01,706
Before exams, go to university.

869
00:39:02,373 --> 00:39:06,811
Before your children go to college, they always found you in a state of panic.

870
00:39:06,877 --> 00:39:08,879
They would come to your office, "Sir."

871
00:39:09,447 --> 00:39:10,848
I taught 12th grade history classes.

872
00:39:10,915 --> 00:39:12,616
What do I have for the final?

873
00:39:12,683 --> 00:39:14,151
And you take out your fake mark sheet.

874
00:39:14,218 --> 00:39:17,254
You are like…

875
00:39:17,321 --> 00:39:19,790
"You're 97, 84, 75."

876
00:39:19,857 --> 00:39:21,192
Everyone would find you.

877
00:39:21,258 --> 00:39:22,259
It appears one day.

878
00:39:22,326 --> 00:39:24,929
This guy had never been in my office, and he says, "Hello, sir."

879
00:39:24,995 --> 00:39:26,263
He must have seen kids do it.

880
00:39:26,330 --> 00:39:29,033
And he says: "Hey, what do I have for the final?"

881
00:39:29,700 --> 00:39:31,001
I said, "What? Why?"

882
00:39:31,068 --> 00:39:33,270
He answers, "Because I want to know what I need to get."

883
00:39:33,337 --> 00:39:35,473
I say, "No... you don't have to write it down."

884
00:39:35,539 --> 00:39:38,909
"You can't...you can't...you can't get past it. It's impossible."

885
00:39:38,976 --> 00:39:40,478
He didn't understand it.

886
00:39:40,544 --> 00:39:43,714
He said, "Why? What have I got?" I replied: "Twelve. You are twelve."

887
00:39:45,483 --> 00:39:46,784
He said, "Twelve what?"

888
00:39:46,851 --> 00:39:48,786
I said, "12%."

889
00:39:48,853 --> 00:39:51,856
He said, "What is it made of?" I said, "It's... What?"

890
00:39:52,356 --> 00:39:53,991
"It's over 100."

891
00:39:56,627 --> 00:39:58,596
He said, "So I can't pass the course?"

892
00:39:59,163 --> 00:40:02,666
And I saw... and I said, "Look, this is what I'll do for you."

893
00:40:02,733 --> 00:40:04,168
"I'm not doing this for anyone else."

894
00:40:04,235 --> 00:40:08,372
My final exam consisted of five essay questions, each worth 30 points.

895
00:40:08,873 --> 00:40:12,610
I told him, "I'm going to... I'm going to pass you if you pass the exam."

896
00:40:12,676 --> 00:40:13,544
He says, "Ready."

897
00:40:13,611 --> 00:40:16,080
It was as if he were saying, "I do this all the time. Done."

898
00:40:17,314 --> 00:40:18,416
I say: "Study."

899
00:40:19,083 --> 00:40:21,986
I even did this. I said, "I'm going to ask you ten questions to learn."

900
00:40:22,052 --> 00:40:22,987
for the next two weeks.

901
00:40:23,053 --> 00:40:26,857
I didn't do this for anyone else. I let this guy go home with ten questions.

902
00:40:26,924 --> 00:40:28,926
and five of them were to be chosen.

903
00:40:28,993 --> 00:40:30,594
I couldn't make it easier for him.

904
00:40:30,661 --> 00:40:33,564
But he comes home and says, "I'm going to pick five."

905
00:40:35,366 --> 00:40:39,136
So, to begin with, it's already on the wrong foot.

906
00:40:39,203 --> 00:40:42,940
But what he did was the most fun and creative thing I've ever seen in my life.

907
00:40:43,441 --> 00:40:44,308
They give me their exam.

908
00:40:44,375 --> 00:40:46,977
And when... when there are essay questions on exams,

909
00:40:47,044 --> 00:40:49,914
Normally the question comes first and then the folio-sized paper, right?

910
00:40:49,980 --> 00:40:52,583
This paper, and there's all this space.

911
00:40:52,650 --> 00:40:55,386
And I don't know why girls would see this and fill it up.

912
00:40:55,453 --> 00:40:56,353
The girls filled it.

913
00:40:56,420 --> 00:40:57,555
They are like…

914
00:40:58,422 --> 00:41:00,224
If I went, let's say, that far away,

915
00:41:00,891 --> 00:41:03,594
They were like, "Okay, I'm going to fill it with words."

916
00:41:03,661 --> 00:41:05,596
They think that means I'm going to give them...

917
00:41:05,663 --> 00:41:07,231
You know, they just filled it up.

918
00:41:07,298 --> 00:41:11,802
And if they needed to add something, there were instructions on where to find it.

919
00:41:11,869 --> 00:41:14,772
It was as if he said, "Oh, lord, there's more in the back."

920
00:41:14,839 --> 00:41:16,907
"Asterisk, turn around."

921
00:41:16,974 --> 00:41:21,445
"Question seven on page four is on the bottom half. Please, sir."

922
00:41:21,512 --> 00:41:22,813
Then there are the notes of others,

923
00:41:22,880 --> 00:41:25,416
"Sir, please, I worked so hard studying for this."

924
00:41:25,483 --> 00:41:27,384
You received notes. Girls... boys didn't do that.

925
00:41:27,451 --> 00:41:29,353
Girl, "Please, sir, please, please, please."

926
00:41:29,420 --> 00:41:32,356
"When you finish writing this, please let me rest a little."

927
00:41:32,423 --> 00:41:33,691
"I was just..."

928
00:41:34,725 --> 00:41:36,727
The guys just wrote about what they knew. Boom!

929
00:41:36,794 --> 00:41:39,129
If I didn't fill it out, they said, "That's all I know."

930
00:41:41,198 --> 00:41:42,900
But Jordan, I already understand Jordan's answer.

931
00:41:42,967 --> 00:41:47,705
Jordan never answered an essay question in the two years I had him as a teacher. Never.

932
00:41:47,771 --> 00:41:48,873
It's full.

933
00:41:48,939 --> 00:41:51,342
I don't know what's going on.

934
00:41:51,842 --> 00:41:54,945
The first question on my exam was about the American Revolution.

935
00:41:55,012 --> 00:41:56,981
People, dates, events, everything.

936
00:41:57,047 --> 00:41:59,183
Discussion, everything. Thirty points, boom!

937
00:41:59,250 --> 00:42:01,085
I understand your question, and it starts like this:

938
00:42:01,151 --> 00:42:02,086
"Hey, sir."

939
00:42:02,720 --> 00:42:05,055
I thought: "There is something... something is coming",

940
00:42:05,122 --> 00:42:06,824
Because that's not... that's not an answer.

941
00:42:06,891 --> 00:42:08,726
"Hey, sir."

942
00:42:08,792 --> 00:42:12,663
He literally writes, “Hey, sir, this is a great question.”

943
00:42:14,498 --> 00:42:16,767
And I said, "Yes, I gave it to you. Of course I did."

944
00:42:17,935 --> 00:42:19,803
But what he did next, according to his story,

945
00:42:19,870 --> 00:42:22,573
"But I prefer to talk to you about the French Revolution."

946
00:42:24,575 --> 00:42:26,844
I had it all. It filled him.

947
00:42:26,911 --> 00:42:28,712
He's a very smart boy, right?

948
00:42:30,247 --> 00:42:31,515
He is an intelligent child.

949
00:42:32,016 --> 00:42:33,784
He thought outside the box.

950
00:42:39,957 --> 00:42:41,759
My children are doing well in school.

951
00:42:42,893 --> 00:42:44,395
My children sleep a lot.

952
00:42:45,462 --> 00:42:47,831
Yes, they sleep too much.

953
00:42:48,432 --> 00:42:50,634
They never did it as children. It's just when you want them to sleep.

954
00:42:50,701 --> 00:42:53,103
Do you remember those days? If you have children, do you remember your first child?

955
00:42:53,170 --> 00:42:55,005
Your first child just didn't sleep.

956
00:42:55,072 --> 00:42:58,542
Three in the morning, "Oh my God, I'll go get her!"

957
00:42:58,609 --> 00:43:00,444
Then one night, they sleep.

958
00:43:00,511 --> 00:43:02,980
And you wake up and say, "What?" You think they're dead, right?

959
00:43:03,047 --> 00:43:04,815
You... No, you've already been through this.

960
00:43:04,882 --> 00:43:06,517
It's like you're saying, "What? Oh no!"

961
00:43:08,485 --> 00:43:11,488
You hear about sudden infant deaths and too many blankets.

962
00:43:12,389 --> 00:43:15,326
My wife says to me, "Oh my God, it's seven o'clock! What happened?"

963
00:43:16,360 --> 00:43:17,828
"Something has happened."

964
00:43:19,163 --> 00:43:22,032
But you're so tired that you think, "Well, there's nothing we can do now."

965
00:43:23,133 --> 00:43:24,635
It was the best dream of my life.

966
00:43:25,135 --> 00:43:26,737
She would want it that way.

967
00:43:31,809 --> 00:43:32,843
Now they sleep.

968
00:43:32,910 --> 00:43:34,878
It's just... I don't even see them.

969
00:43:34,945 --> 00:43:35,946
No.

970
00:43:36,814 --> 00:43:38,983
They practice sports. That's my favorite part.

971
00:43:39,617 --> 00:43:41,952
His life revolves around sports. I love sport.

972
00:43:42,019 --> 00:43:43,887
My wife also supported me in that.

973
00:43:43,954 --> 00:43:46,423
And I thought, what sports?

974
00:43:46,490 --> 00:43:47,891
And here are the things I thought.

975
00:43:47,958 --> 00:43:50,694
I'm going to include them in the sports category for three reasons.

976
00:43:50,761 --> 00:43:52,930
First, maybe it's a sport they can make money from.

977
00:43:52,997 --> 00:43:53,964
or get a scholarship

978
00:43:54,031 --> 00:43:56,000
or recover part of the money we invested, right?

979
00:43:56,066 --> 00:43:57,468
So I choose such a sport.

980
00:43:57,534 --> 00:44:00,104
Okay, or maybe it's a sport they can play when they're older.

981
00:44:00,170 --> 00:44:01,639
with your friends, right?

982
00:44:01,705 --> 00:44:02,573
Keep it up!

983
00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:05,943
There are many sports that can be played well into your seventies and eighties.

984
00:44:06,010 --> 00:44:08,312
TRUE? And it is a sport that I have come to like watching.

985
00:44:08,812 --> 00:44:10,714
Because I had to go. And that was it.

986
00:44:11,281 --> 00:44:12,616
Those were the three things.

987
00:44:12,683 --> 00:44:15,386
My friends have children who play sports. I think: "No way."

988
00:44:15,452 --> 00:44:16,487
"No chance."

989
00:44:16,987 --> 00:44:19,356
Synchronized swimming. Because? What is it?

990
00:44:19,423 --> 00:44:21,759
How did that come up in the conversation?

991
00:44:21,825 --> 00:44:26,230
How is it possible that no one in the family denied it when the daughter or son...

992
00:44:26,296 --> 00:44:27,531
I don't even know if guys do it.

993
00:44:27,598 --> 00:44:30,701
When the daughter said, "I want to do synchronized swimming at 5 in the morning"?

994
00:44:30,768 --> 00:44:33,037
Why didn't anyone say, "Next question"?

995
00:44:33,103 --> 00:44:34,571
No. That would be me.

996
00:44:34,638 --> 00:44:37,007
"No chance. No chance."

997
00:44:37,074 --> 00:44:40,010
What are you going to do? You're not going to... What, the Olympics? Maybe there is...

998
00:44:40,077 --> 00:44:41,412
So you don't make money.

999
00:44:41,478 --> 00:44:43,480
You can't do it when you're older. That is never done.

1000
00:44:43,547 --> 00:44:45,783
You never say, "You guys want to come do some synchronized swimming,"

1001
00:44:45,849 --> 00:44:46,950
So let's go get beer and wings?

1002
00:44:47,518 --> 00:44:51,088
"Then we'll go have beers and wings. We'll do synchronized swimming in my pool."

1003
00:44:53,891 --> 00:44:56,660
Another friend of mine practices horse riding. I mean, you're not even the athlete.

1004
00:44:56,727 --> 00:44:59,163
You... you're not even... You're not even the athlete.

1005
00:44:59,229 --> 00:45:00,297
You just sit there.

1006
00:45:03,467 --> 00:45:04,535
Volleyball is interesting

1007
00:45:04,601 --> 00:45:07,938
Because sometimes people recognize me at volleyball games and they say to me:

1008
00:45:08,005 --> 00:45:11,308
"Hey, is your daughter playing?" When they were about 11 years old, I said, "Yes."

1009
00:45:11,375 --> 00:45:14,778
In my mind I think: "Obviously!" As if to say: "What are you...?"

1010
00:45:14,845 --> 00:45:19,883
So in the end I was just like, "No, no, I just love... I love this group of girls."

1011
00:45:19,950 --> 00:45:21,185
"I just follow them."

1012
00:45:22,653 --> 00:45:24,488
"That's my favorite, number five."

1013
00:45:24,555 --> 00:45:25,456
"Hello."

1014
00:45:30,127 --> 00:45:33,630
Hockey, I... I coached my son's team.

1015
00:45:33,697 --> 00:45:36,600
It is a local league, and I think local leagues should be eliminated.

1016
00:45:36,667 --> 00:45:38,202
It doesn't make any sense.

1017
00:45:38,268 --> 00:45:39,937
These are three children.

1018
00:45:40,003 --> 00:45:41,305
It is.

1019
00:45:41,371 --> 00:45:44,341
My son was the second worst player. It wasn't very good.

1020
00:45:44,408 --> 00:45:47,711
Thank God for the worst player! That's all... that's all I can tell you.

1021
00:45:47,778 --> 00:45:51,048
And I was the coach, and I just...

1022
00:45:51,115 --> 00:45:54,685
There was a boy, Marcus, who scored four, five, six goals per game.

1023
00:45:54,752 --> 00:45:58,856
and my son didn't even play the record, and it was very difficult.

1024
00:45:59,857 --> 00:46:03,460
People ask me: "Is this your son?" And I tell them: "No, he's my nephew."

1025
00:46:03,527 --> 00:46:05,362
"No, he's not. He's my nephew."

1026
00:46:05,429 --> 00:46:08,599
"Marcus. Marcus, the black boy, that's my son."

1027
00:46:08,665 --> 00:46:10,167
"Yes. Yes."

1028
00:46:10,234 --> 00:46:11,535
"Go get him, Marcus."

1029
00:46:11,602 --> 00:46:14,905
They try to adopt him, but his parents say, "No, you can't..."

1030
00:46:15,405 --> 00:46:18,876
There's something special about the best boy, right? I wish I was your son.

1031
00:46:18,942 --> 00:46:21,645
There's something about it that makes it so that when your child misbehaves, you don't want to go.

1032
00:46:21,712 --> 00:46:25,015
I said, "Do you want to go? It's too far away tonight."

1033
00:46:25,082 --> 00:46:27,184
"Oh, you don't even touch the record!"

1034
00:46:27,251 --> 00:46:28,085
"But I love it."

1035
00:46:28,152 --> 00:46:29,419
"Love what? You don't…"

1036
00:46:30,621 --> 00:46:33,123
On his team there was a boy, Angus.

1037
00:46:33,190 --> 00:46:35,359
Right off the bat, you're not going to make it to the NHL. Your name is Angus.

1038
00:46:35,425 --> 00:46:38,028
There is no Angus. There is no Angus in the NHL.

1039
00:46:38,095 --> 00:46:40,264
There never will be. It's just not a name.

1040
00:46:40,764 --> 00:46:42,099
Your name says it all, okay?

1041
00:46:42,166 --> 00:46:44,201
Your father should say, "No, no Angus."

1042
00:46:44,268 --> 00:46:46,904
"We're going to open a steakhouse. Why don't we open a steakhouse?"

1043
00:46:49,973 --> 00:46:51,909
This guy… That's how stupid the local league is.

1044
00:46:51,975 --> 00:46:54,411
This guy shows up on the first day. It has never been on ice.

1045
00:46:54,478 --> 00:46:57,347
He has never skated. Skating is not easy. He never has.

1046
00:46:57,414 --> 00:46:59,583
Okay, he's 7 years old. He says, "I want to do that."

1047
00:46:59,650 --> 00:47:01,418
You just have to register and I'll add you to my team.

1048
00:47:01,485 --> 00:47:02,319
No eraser.

1049
00:47:02,386 --> 00:47:03,654
Team selection is not allowed.

1050
00:47:03,720 --> 00:47:05,222
I just understand Angus.

1051
00:47:05,289 --> 00:47:07,724
Appears. His equipment is still in the boxes.

1052
00:47:07,791 --> 00:47:08,826
We are unpacking it.

1053
00:47:08,892 --> 00:47:11,995
I was like, "What? We're not winning. We're not going to win with this guy."

1054
00:47:13,330 --> 00:47:15,399
And I have to interpret it. That's the rule.

1055
00:47:15,465 --> 00:47:16,500
He took number 36.

1056
00:47:16,567 --> 00:47:18,202
If you know hockey, that's a goalie's number.

1057
00:47:18,268 --> 00:47:21,772
I was like, "Oh my God, 36 years old? Really?"

1058
00:47:21,839 --> 00:47:24,174
The only thing he could do was force him off the board.

1059
00:47:24,241 --> 00:47:26,176
because he was just trying to lean on the boards.

1060
00:47:26,243 --> 00:47:27,678
Now it's basically five against four.

1061
00:47:27,744 --> 00:47:29,279
I would say… I would push him out.

1062
00:47:29,346 --> 00:47:31,348
I'd come out and he'd say, "Oh."

1063
00:47:32,349 --> 00:47:34,551
Sometimes I wish he would leave his skate guards on.

1064
00:47:34,618 --> 00:47:36,920
Because I know he would injure his groin and be out of the game.

1065
00:47:38,689 --> 00:47:40,891
No, he always remembered that part.

1066
00:47:42,459 --> 00:47:45,462
This was all this kid could do. He loved it. Simply…

1067
00:47:45,529 --> 00:47:47,798
All the good players, he could just follow them.

1068
00:47:48,298 --> 00:47:49,366
He just did this little…

1069
00:47:49,433 --> 00:47:51,602
This is his… And he waved to his parents.

1070
00:47:51,668 --> 00:47:53,570
In the NHL, they don't wave.

1071
00:47:56,273 --> 00:47:59,610
I say, "What are you waving at? You're not doing anything, just going around in a circle."

1072
00:48:00,244 --> 00:48:01,511
So the work would develop in this way.

1073
00:48:01,578 --> 00:48:04,348
And this guy, three minutes, that's the length of the shift.

1074
00:48:05,215 --> 00:48:07,551
This is all he could do, number 36.

1075
00:48:09,953 --> 00:48:11,989
In the last game, I scored a zero after the six.

1076
00:48:12,055 --> 00:48:13,557
Because I thought it was funny.

1077
00:48:15,158 --> 00:48:16,693
Nobody knew, only me.

1078
00:48:16,760 --> 00:48:18,562
It was just a little joke of mine.

1079
00:48:19,329 --> 00:48:21,798
"Three sixty, get out there. Come on! It's your turn!"

1080
00:48:25,469 --> 00:48:28,672
My oldest daughter stopped believing in Santa Claus.

1081
00:48:28,739 --> 00:48:30,440
Girls, do you believe in Santa Claus?

1082
00:48:31,341 --> 00:48:32,576
I just forgot.

1083
00:48:33,677 --> 00:48:35,012
Do you... do you?

1084
00:48:35,078 --> 00:48:36,813
The 11 year old boy?

1085
00:48:42,619 --> 00:48:44,621
Yes, me too, me too.

1086
00:48:47,257 --> 00:48:49,660
I didn't prepare for this part of the show.

1087
00:49:00,470 --> 00:49:02,773
So he's, uh, he's a good guy.

1088
00:49:02,839 --> 00:49:05,575
Santa is… Santa is a good guy.

1089
00:49:06,243 --> 00:49:08,946
He conquers the entire world in a single night. Isn't that crazy?

1090
00:49:12,683 --> 00:49:14,685
What am I doing here, mom and dad? Simply...?

1091
00:49:16,053 --> 00:49:17,487
Continue? OK.

1092
00:49:19,589 --> 00:49:20,958
Well, you have a good story.

1093
00:49:21,024 --> 00:49:22,592
You have a good story.

1094
00:49:22,659 --> 00:49:25,996
What did Santa Claus bring you last Christmas?

1095
00:49:26,063 --> 00:49:27,497
What did he give you?

1096
00:49:28,131 --> 00:49:30,267
Don't you remember? Did you ever get to see him?

1097
00:49:32,069 --> 00:49:34,237
Nobody... nobody ever sees it.

1098
00:49:36,006 --> 00:49:37,274
I see it right now.

1099
00:49:46,917 --> 00:49:49,419
That's what you get for bringing an 11-year-old child. That is…

1100
00:49:57,828 --> 00:50:00,630
Well, I'm just going to tell the story, so...

1101
00:50:05,635 --> 00:50:08,939
No, my niece… my niece, huh…

1102
00:50:10,474 --> 00:50:14,778
My niece was… my niece was 12 years old.

1103
00:50:14,845 --> 00:50:18,148
when she believed in Santa Claus.

1104
00:50:18,215 --> 00:50:19,516
I was 12 years old.

1105
00:50:22,019 --> 00:50:23,086
Because I said...

1106
00:50:23,153 --> 00:50:24,755
My… my daughter was 10 years old.

1107
00:50:24,821 --> 00:50:28,125
I thought that was old because… it's true.

1108
00:50:29,359 --> 00:50:31,695
No, my daughter was… my daughter was…

1109
00:50:31,762 --> 00:50:33,597
Are you beginning to understand it a little?

1110
00:50:35,665 --> 00:50:37,734
The whole world. The whole world.

1111
00:50:38,935 --> 00:50:41,038
Down each chimney, up again, next.

1112
00:50:41,104 --> 00:50:43,140
Think about how many people there are on your street.

1113
00:50:43,206 --> 00:50:45,509
Everything… Then the whole world. He does it.

1114
00:50:45,575 --> 00:50:48,345
And you're like, "Yeah, he does. I saw him on that show."

1115
00:50:50,280 --> 00:50:52,749
I told my… I told him that my daughter was 10 years old.

1116
00:50:52,816 --> 00:50:54,618
I thought that was already tiring.

1117
00:50:56,253 --> 00:51:01,158
So I told my niece, who was 12 years old… Don't feel bad. She was 12 years old.

1118
00:51:01,658 --> 00:51:04,528
I said, "Hey, when did you stop believing in Santa Claus?"

1119
00:51:04,594 --> 00:51:05,796
She asked, "What?"

1120
00:51:10,133 --> 00:51:11,501
I…I got into trouble.

1121
00:51:12,102 --> 00:51:14,805
Well, it turns out that my sister-in-law scolded me.

1122
00:51:14,871 --> 00:51:18,108
"We were going to tell him." And I told him: "He looks like he's 16. You can't..."

1123
00:51:18,175 --> 00:51:19,476
He looks 16 years old.

1124
00:51:19,543 --> 00:51:21,445
She has already gone through puberty completely.

1125
00:51:21,511 --> 00:51:24,581
And she's sitting there crying because she found out there's no Santa Claus.

1126
00:51:24,648 --> 00:51:25,782
I'm sorry I have to do this.

1127
00:51:25,849 --> 00:51:27,617
Very sorry.

1128
00:51:27,684 --> 00:51:29,653
I don't know how to end this any other way.

1129
00:51:30,454 --> 00:51:33,657
I don't know what to do. Your parents should have figured it out.

1130
00:51:33,723 --> 00:51:35,725
They are… Just kidding!

1131
00:51:35,792 --> 00:51:37,661
It's a joke.

1132
00:51:41,264 --> 00:51:44,935
She's sitting there crying. He is 12 years old. He looks 16. He looks 16.

1133
00:51:45,001 --> 00:51:47,070
And they're yelling at me: "How could you do this to me?"

1134
00:51:47,137 --> 00:51:48,905
I think, "She looks like she's 16. She could have kids."

1135
00:51:48,972 --> 00:51:50,040
She is…

1136
00:51:50,107 --> 00:51:51,241
No, but it's true.

1137
00:51:51,308 --> 00:51:53,910
She could... Physically, she could have children.

1138
00:51:53,977 --> 00:51:55,645
And she's crying, and they're yelling at me.

1139
00:51:55,712 --> 00:51:56,680
What if I had a son?

1140
00:51:56,746 --> 00:51:59,616
What if I had a child right now and they believed in Santa Claus?

1141
00:51:59,683 --> 00:52:03,120
What is it like that Christmas morning? The two walking towards nothing.

1142
00:52:05,188 --> 00:52:07,791
"Where is everything, mom?" "I don't know. I don't know."

1143
00:52:07,858 --> 00:52:10,360
"I wrote two letters. This is ridiculous."

1144
00:52:10,427 --> 00:52:12,729
"I'm going to smoke. I'm going to smoke."

1145
00:52:21,238 --> 00:52:23,140
You will have a great story to tell when you grow up.

1146
00:52:24,541 --> 00:52:25,642
"How did you find out?"

1147
00:52:25,709 --> 00:52:28,044
No, I'm joking. He's a great guy.

1148
00:52:30,013 --> 00:52:32,516
My wife does everything for my son.

1149
00:52:32,582 --> 00:52:35,519
And I learned it the hard way. It's not good.

1150
00:52:35,585 --> 00:52:38,488
Well, it doesn't do anything by itself.

1151
00:52:38,989 --> 00:52:41,324
When I was 10, I finally took an overnight trip with him.

1152
00:52:41,391 --> 00:52:43,994
And we are in the hotel, in the lobby. We are having breakfast.

1153
00:52:44,060 --> 00:52:46,796
He says to me, "Dad, can you spread butter on my toast?" And I say, "What?"

1154
00:52:47,931 --> 00:52:49,599
He says, "I don't know how to spread butter on toast."

1155
00:52:49,666 --> 00:52:51,434
I said, "Are you kidding me?"

1156
00:52:51,501 --> 00:52:54,671
He says, "No." People are watching. I think: "Let's learn."

1157
00:52:54,738 --> 00:52:56,540
Now let's learn how to spread butter on toast.

1158
00:52:56,606 --> 00:52:58,275
You have three objects. Let's see what we do.

1159
00:52:58,341 --> 00:53:00,377
He says to me, "Can you do it?" "No, I'm not going to do it."

1160
00:53:00,443 --> 00:53:02,312
"That's what your mother does. I'm not going to do it."

1161
00:53:02,379 --> 00:53:03,480
"What are you going to do?"

1162
00:53:03,547 --> 00:53:06,049
Then take the knife and get the butter.

1163
00:53:06,116 --> 00:53:08,485
And he tells me: "I don't know." And I say, "My God!"

1164
00:53:08,552 --> 00:53:10,954
I started to get angry. I got furious.

1165
00:53:11,021 --> 00:53:12,289
I got very angry.

1166
00:53:12,822 --> 00:53:13,890
People are looking at me.

1167
00:53:13,957 --> 00:53:16,493
I say, "How come you don't know how to spread butter on toast?"

1168
00:53:16,560 --> 00:53:19,362
And I told him: "I delivered newspapers. I delivered newspapers when I was 10 years old."

1169
00:53:19,429 --> 00:53:22,666
I had a newspaper delivery at five in the morning, dodging pedophiles to save my life.

1170
00:53:22,732 --> 00:53:23,633
That's what I did.

1171
00:53:27,037 --> 00:53:29,539
Hey, thank you so much for coming tonight.

1172
00:53:29,606 --> 00:53:31,608
You guys were great!

1173
00:53:33,376 --> 00:53:36,446
Enjoy time with your children and your family.

1174
00:53:36,513 --> 00:53:38,048
It happens very quickly.

1175
00:53:38,114 --> 00:53:39,616
And I thank you all.

1176
00:53:39,683 --> 00:53:40,917
Thank you. Good night.